Every freshman man I’ve gotten to know at the University of Michigan steps on campus carrying with him a basic assumption that goes something like this: Other men are not safe. He’s been learning this his entire life through trial and error. When he has shared a weakness or vulnerability with a boy his age, that boy (out of his own weakness and insecurity) likely used that shared vulnerability to shame him (often publicly) and assert his own strength in contrast. For the men reading this, schoolyard scenes from grade school and junior high should be coming to mind…lots of them. Pretty soon he learns that weakness is shameful and unmasculine. So he conceals it with silence and timidity, and masks it with insults, aggression, or arrogance. He concludes that these embarrassing traits of his are better left as something to be uncovered forcefully by others rather than confessed freely, to his own degradation.
Christian men usually hear in church that aggression and arrogance aren’t very Christian-like, so they stop that part, but since nothing is said about the silence and avoidance, those remain lifelong habits. And so these men persist through life subconsciously believing that other men are primarily out to shame and minimize them. And the silence disallows this lie from being redeemed through other godly men. Becuase this pattern likely starts in elementary school, hardly any man coming into college (Christian or not) knows how to have an authentic relationship with another man. He’s likely never experienced one, and deep down, probably disbelieves it’s even possible. I certainly did.
If you want proof, I dare you to try this at home: gather together a group of college-aged men. Say, “Stand up if you can think of someone in your life that you’ve felt perfectly comfortable sharing the deepest parts of your life with, including personal struggles, weaknesses, shortcomings, and questions.” Look at who stands up and now say, “Keep standing if you actually shared these things on a regular basis with that person…Now keep standing if that person was another man.” Prepare to be shocked by all the butts in seats. This is precisely why every new guy who enters my small group expects a Bible study and not a brotherhood. The pattern of this world, particularly among men, is shame, hiding, and facade. No three evils could be more opposite of the only sensible response to God’s extravagant grace: humble and confident self-revelation. This is sadly the pattern of not only our culture, but the Church as well. I’ve found her to have as great of a grace avoidance problem as anyone.
I can’t blame most of these guys coming into college, though. They’ve been absolutely annihilated their entire lives from peers, and their fathers have followed the cultural norm of cowardice by idly watching the onslaught rather than speaking truth in boldness to their sons. Has anyone else ever wondered why there is a stereotypical media portrayal of a serious conversation between father and son? It necessarily involves the father inhaling deeply, walking up to his son and, putting his hand on his shoulder, says in his best “serious man” voice, “Son…we need to have a talk”. It usually ends with “…about the birds and the bees.” And that’s the only serious conversation our culture expects of our fathers. We’ve emasculated them so horribly that our expectation is that they’re too weak and insecure to even use the word ”sex”. It makes me absolutely sick.
The media father dons this awkward serious voice because authentic conversation between father and son is out of place, and the very fact that such there even exists a simple stereotype for “the serious father-son conversation” is strong indication it’s an endagered entity. Shouldn’t this be an ongoing discussion between father and son rather than some awkward, unhelpful, and obligatory conversation? Shouldn’t fathers be consistently leading their sons through the serious things of life? Our fathers are not ushering their sons into manhood, and more people need to be sounding the alarm on this. The figure our families are to biblically look to for spiritual leadership has been castrated with the knife of culture and cowardice.
This issue goes far beyond a conversational content problem, too. Most men I meet on campus have never been personally pursued by an older man their entire lives, including their fathers. No man has ever communicated to him that he is worth their consistent time and effort. The implication then is that he is unworthy, and the schoolyard lies are perpetuated even by the one man who is supposed to be safe. His feelings of unworthiness will keep him from bold action the rest of his life, and his timidity will cause him to similarly avoid leading his own son. And so cycle of emasculation continues as fathers take the knife to their sons daily through their inaction. Men ought to be boldly leading our families and churches, but most of them are taken out of the game by age 10. The advancement of the Kingdom begs a drastic solution.
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I LOVE this!!!!!!!!!!!! After reading this I just saw it in so many of the men I worked with all summer and how they handle their insecurities. Each one “masks it with insults, aggression, or arrogance.” It helped me realize that they weren’t really being rude to me, but being around them and getting to know them I could begin to see the weakness they have and are uncomfortable with. That’s so cool!!!