An end result of everything I discussed in Part 1 is that every fall I’m handed a group of new university men with a culturally pathological fear of other men. And somehow I’m supposed to help move them toward a biblical standard of male relationship that includes weeping, intense longing, confession, and unfettered boldness. It’s one of the tallest orders any male leader faces, and many men (for reasons mentioned in Part 1) simply aren’t up to the task. But for those who are, I offer what I have found to be the most effective manhood-restoring methods I’ve ever come across (in the order that most makes sense to me).
1. Relentless Pursuit. At the beginning of each school year, I target a few key guys that I am unswervingly committed to, and I do my very best to pursue them fiercely. I get lunch with them, go to the gym with them, call them when I’m bored, invite them to everything I can, and frequently ask them how they’re doing. For the vast majority of men, this is the first time another man has ever gone out of his way to show a genuine interest in him and truly pursue time together. This frees him up for the first time to believe that he is desired, important, and truly has something to offer this world; the very things God has longed for him to know his entire life. Many men will only begin to feel that they are God’s priority when they see that they are your priority. Thus, your words, but more so, your actions, actually become the manifestation of God’s whispers of truth to the men you lead. I can’t imagine a greater privilege.
2. Extreme Authenticity and Visible Weakness. A man is not strong unless he is unafraid of being weak. Leading other men toward godliness absolutely requires that you set an example of boasting in weakness, that Christ’s strength might shine and be made perfect through you. Men usually come into my small group in September at around a 2 on the vulnerability scale, and I need to be at a 9 every week for all of first semester if I have any hope of them getting to like a 6 by Christmas. It means revealing my addictions, confessing my sins, admitting my faults and doubts, and naming the lies that enslave me, all while the younger men don’t bring themselves to say anything beyond “I struggle with purity now and then.” If you dare employ this tactic, Satan will use the chasm in vulnerability between you and them to lie to you in every kind of way. “You can’t lead these men”, “They don’t look up to you”, “You are weak”, “You’re alone in your struggles”, the list goes on. He’s lying to you because the grace and power of God shining through you is the most formidable of threats to the kingdom of darkness. You’ll need your full armor, as well as men fighting alongside you, to weather the battle.
3. Startling Acts of Affection. It’s easy to believe that showing acts of affection and compassion to other men is a sign of softness until you actually try it. Then you’ll realize that it actually takes more courage and boldness than most things you’ve done in your life. The risk is tremendous, but simple acts like putting your arm around another man, saying “I love you”, or giving him a hug when he needs it have the power to disarm a man’s soul. In taking such great risk by refusing to conform to the pattern of this world, you model extraordinary strength rather than weakness. Strength that most men wish they had seen in their fathers.
4. Bold Challenges. Men respond to challenge. Their whole lives, they’ve been retaliating to challenges aimed to disprove their masculinity, but you have the rare opportunity to challenge them toward living out their true masculinity. Shoot straight with them, calling them to repentance, holiness, and radical faith. Don’t shy away from calling it like it is. Be gentle, not forceful or overbearing, but be direct. Their whole lives, they’ve longed for a man to show them enough love and respect to be honest and upfront with them. And the stakes of his life, character, and influence are way too high for you to waste your time beating around the bush.
Warning: If a man you’re leading is considerably younger or more insecure in his faith, then it will probably take quite some time before he’s able to reciprocate these things in any way. And I know first-hand how terrifying it can be to bear your weaknesses, show verbal and phsyical affection, and pursue another man relentlessly without receiving any of those things in return. It’s terrifying because you and I still carry the wounds of not feeling those things early in our own lives. And the grave reality is that non-reciprocation is a certainty in this line of work, at least at the beginning. But if you persevere, you are promised to receive your due reward (Galatians 6:9-10). Remember that these men, as unresponsive as they seem, have never experienced anything like this, and you are healing and liberating their deepest parts, even if they don’t realize it. They absolutely long to be able to do what they see you doing.
If you are unflinchingly committed to practicing these things consistently in your leadership of other men, you will witness their lives being redeemed before your very eyes as they discover the life that God has always intended for them. It’s the privilege of a lifetime, and the harvest field is abundant and ripe for the picking. But remember, the harvest is so abundant because the work is so intensely difficult and few are up to the task. The Lord is searching for those men who are willing to do the difficult work of a shepherd. Will you be among them?
Related posts:
“At the beginning of each school year, I target a few key guys that I am unswervingly committed to, and I do my very best to pursue them fiercely.”
I was one of those guys, and my life is changed forever because of it.
Great stuff here, Mikey. It gives me inspiration as a follower of God and a shepherd of His flock.
This is really good. Thanks for sharing.
Great post. And so true. I can see so much of myself in what you wrote. Especially being pursued. In my whole life, I only think I’ve had one person ever truly relentless pursue me as a friend, and that person wasn’t a male. I’m sure that perhaps other people have tried to pursue me and I just for whatever reason didn’t realize it or want it and turned away, but I think that the point still stands. Men (women too) need people to pursue them and pour into them and love them. They need people who genuinely make them feel loved and accepted and valuable. I know that much of my personal struggle with feeling self-worth stems from the fact that I don’t feel like people are pursuing relationships with me. Which most of the time leads me to feeling not loved. Relentless pursuit of men is key.
Reading your warning about the difficulty of pursuit has also encouraged me a lot for the coming school year. I want to build into the lives of new freshman, but I simultaneously have been having doubts that they will like me or reciprocate my pursuit. Which definitely will make it hard to keep pursuing them. But like you said, it is essential to keep pursuing. One day, they may open up, and their life will be changed, and that fruit will be worth all the sacrifice on my part.
Well said! I wish they would preach this from the pulpits
Totally rings true with everything I have learned and experienced over the last couple months. To be human in front of others means to let God be God and do his stuff!