Emotionally, I feel like a high school girl right now. What I mean by that is my emotions have been swinging between two extremes these last couple of weeks. For those of you who don’t know, just a couple weeks ago I began raising financial support full-time to be a missionary at New Life Church at the University of Michigan. As I’ve been raising up a ministry team to back me, I’ve sat down with quite a few people, and their response to my ministry is affecting my emotions much more than I’d like them to.
Here’s the raw mess of it: I emotionally gravitate between two poles that look something like: “I can make this happen. Easy.” and “Nobody believes in me to the point of sacrifice; I’m screwed forever”. If you once thought I was really spiritual, that’s probably making you re-think your assessment. But it’s true; that’s how I’ve been reacting.
If I’m infected with the same curse of futility that was bestowed upon Adam in the Garden, then there’s nothing in the world that stings me right in my curse spot so much as setting aside a couple hours to meet with someone who does not want to come on my team, but wants to refer me to more people who I assume will also take a couple hours to tell me they do not want to come on my team, but will refer me to more people who…(you get the idea). It’s horribly irrational, but I still feel that sometimes.
I think if I saw my situation more clearly, I might feel something like, “I’m in way over my head, but God has beckoned me here; He will also deliver me in perfect fashion and timing.” I’ve intimately known God long enough to realize that in my life, it’s experientially true that He does this 100% of the time. There’s also a bunch of stories just like it in the Bible, and many more involving people who are close to me. For whatever reason though, it’s not quite my default belief yet.
What I’m saying is: pray for me. That I wouldn’t swing between despair and self-reliance, but rather find a middle, true place of shalom in knowing that God is my Refuge and my Deliverer; that He has good in store for his beloved son. Let me rest in the understanding of His love.
Also, if you’re interested in helping me get back on campus, I would love to hear from you. One of the most encouraging things I experience in this process is being contacted unexpectedly by someone who’s interested in playing a part. Just get a hold of me via e-mail, facebook, or twitter and we’ll go from there.
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This is the truth that was helpful for me yesterday:
“I am dependent, and that’s okay. If they can’t meet my needs, that’s okay, too. God is faithful & He will provide. What I can do is ask others in faith, cling to my beauty & worth in His sight, & believe He will provide for me. And then let Him.”
I think this will be my new mantra as I go into appointments.
grace&peace,
jess
You’re not alone, Mikey! God has specific people picked out for your team, people who are going to be passionate about your ministry, who will pray for you and read your newsletters every month. They’ll become close friends and rave about you to their own community. Maybe not everyone on your team will be that way, but a few will, and you’d be surprised how just a few people can make all the difference.
We’re praying for you!!
Sounds like God is going to squeeze you to depend fully on Him. Doesn’t that sound royally Christian! haha. But, character building sucks. I guarantee you will look back at this experience and realize how much you grew from it.
Expectations can create idolistic footholds, without us even knowing it. That’s why when the sting happens, you have to turn back and let God draw you under His wing again.
I guess I will pray for ya, only because I like ya, haha.
welcome to lack of control over you life. it’s scary. but it’s priceless.
a wise author once wrote in a book called mad church disease about how we can’t be fully reliant on god (omg, did i just use that FROG acronym? crap.) while we are in any sense reliant on ourselves.
guess where god wants us to be?
have fun. i’m with ya.
Actually, I think this makes you seem way more spiritual than tough, unemotional Mikey. I like high school girl Mikey; I also take offense at the negative connotations you’re attaching to being a high school girl.
Not because of me or any of us here, but because the gates of Hades won’t prevail against His bride.
I think you’re great, and I am praying for you. God is definitely going to come through, and you’re going to learn way more in the process than you anticipated. AND, South Side will hold up while you’re away
Miss you so much!
Liser