James MacDonald’s Marriage Advice

As most of you know, I’m getting married in May. I don’t really know what I’m doing except that I’ve read Ephesians 5, observed some incredibly godly marriages, and really love Jessie and want to put her needs before my own. Just like the theme of some of my more recent posts, my intentions are good, but I’m still really unwise and prone to messing stuff up. So I’ve sought out considerable counsel so I wouldn’t hurt her as much as I would if left to my own understanding.

Here are my notes from a marriage seminar put on by James MacDonald, pastor of Harvest Bible Chapel in Rolling Meadows, IL. Keep in mind that he’s talking to a room full of married Christians (mostly couples). I got some really good stuff from it, and James actually played a big role in my early spiritual development, so I wanted to share his thoughts with you.

Why I Have A Great Marriage by James MacDonald

1) We each have a Master, and it’s not us. (1 Corinthians 8:6)
- My spouse doesn’t always bring me back to my marriage, Jesus Christ as Lord always brings me back to my marriage.

2) Because we have our identity tied up in our marriage. (Hebrews 13:4)
- I do not have a successful life apart from her.
- Esteem a great marriage.
- I cannot be successful if my marriage is not successful (think Tiger Woods).
- Whatever your work, you lose credibility from a bad or failed marriage because you have failed at relationship.

3) Because we have a biblical view of love: you before me. (1 Corinthians 13:4-8)
- Biblical love is more than feelings, romance, or chemistry.
- The bedrock of my love in marriage is my will, not my feelings.
- Choose to do the things you don’t feel like doing, and the feelings you want will follow.

4) Because we have transparent communication. (Romans 12:9)
- Don’t expect your marriage to meet all of your relational needs.
- Have a place of safety, confidentiality, and reciprocation of openness both inside and outside of your marriage.
- Open up to your wife! (1 Peter 3:7).
- Tell her what you’re afraid of, what your hopes and dreams are, and what you struggle with.
- Speaking your thoughts exposes your wrong thinking to the light.
- Speaking your feelings expoeses slippage and distraction in the relationship.
- Watch out for the people in your life who are meeting an emotional or relational need that only your spouse can righteously fulfill.
- It is far better that your need goes completely unmet in your life than it is for you to get it met by someone other than your spouse.
- It is better to feel lonely, misunderstood and disappointed than to be divorced.

5) Because we have a commitment to healthy conflict. (Ephesians 4:26-27)
Five Rules of Engagement for Conflict:
       1) Work it out today, or commit to working it out the next day after hurt feelings have cooled down.
       2) Attack the problem, not the person.
      3) Men: No invasion of her personal space physically or vocally. Women: No emotional manipulation or blackmail.
       4) No universals. No  ”You always ______.”  or  ”You never ______.”  It’s rarely helpful or even true.
       5) Don’t bring up the past for the sake of leverage. Love does not call upon the past to predict the future. If I keep re-hashing the wound, I can keep it from healing.

6) Because we will not let the relationship lag or flounder. (Hebrews 12:12-13)
- Take a honeymoon after any season or crisis that temporarily shifts your priorities away from each other.

7) Because we pursue opportunities to evaluate and strengthen our marriage. (Proverbs 1:5)
- You should be so consumed with your spouse’s beauty and strengths that all other people are utterly dumbfounded by what you’re seeing in them.
- Take a date night.

8 ) Because we protect our marriage from intruders. (Proverbs 4:23)
- Don’t ask your marriage to absorb all your problems.
- Protect from intrusion by work, church, parents, friends, kids, and extended family.

9) Because we have a long-term view of the power of a strong marriage. (Galatians 6:7-9)
- “You reap what you sow” can be very good news.
- You will never regret or be put to shame for investing deeply in a godly marriage. It always has a big return.

10) Because we have a mutual commitment to a higher mission (1 Corinthians 10:31)
- There are  lot of things counting on my marriage.
- Be a team, be deeply invested in what the other is called to.

Additional nuggets from Q&A time:
- Be prepared to disclose areas of sin or unfaithfulness, but don’t rush to disclose. Don’t make your spouse bear the weight of you clearing your conscience. Seek counsel about which details to disclose and when.
- No matter where your spouse is personally, treat them like the person you want them to be. Treat them as if you had your dream marriage, and they will come into their fullness.

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